Consequences
by SkinnySerendipity
Summary: What if Clary wasn't able to fend Sebastian off in the apartment before the battle (CoLS)? She couldn't bring herself to tell anyone, especially Jace - she knew he would blame himself. So how will she tell him is she's pregnant? Mild language & implications of darker themes. DON'T READ if sensitive, or would prefer not to think about such matters. Rated T - Subject to change.
1. Chapter 1

**What if Clary wasn't able to fend Sebastian off in the apartment before the battle (CoLS)? She couldn't bring herself to tell anyone, especially Jace - she knew he would blame himself. So how will she tell him is she's pregnant?**

CHAPTER ONE - Confirmation

No. No. No. No._ No._

This could not be happening.

It had to be some kind of sick cosmic joke, like the time she and Jace thought they siblings.

_Siblings._

Bile rose in her throat, and she gulped, daring herself to to take one more look at the white stick in her hand - she_ had_ to be sure. Shakily, she did just that, silently praying for the news she already knew wouldn't show.

_Pregnant._

Shit.

Tears of anger blurred Clary's vision, and threatened to overflow, but she tried desperately to blink them back. She wouldn't. She wouldn't cry because of _him_. Not now. Not Ever.

Instead she tried to calm herself, taking in deep shaky breaths. But it didn't stop the darkness.

Ever since she returned from the Seventh Sacred Sight she'd been suppressing the memories, refusing to think of them. But they weren't so easily controlled, every so often they bubbled back up, like walls around her drawing in, suffocating her. Recently it was happening more, and more frequently, and she was starting to wondering if she was the one in control at all.

It happened slowly at first, in flashes. Her, pressed between Sebastian and the kitchen counter, her trying to run, knowing it was useless anyway, but still managing to draw the rune on her door. And then they memories came all at once, like she was reliving it again.

_She was on the kitchen floor, Sebastian straddling her tiny hips, her hands bound above her head by a rune. She felt him grab for the zip on her jeans, and she tried one last time to get him to stop. She spat in his face._

_He laughed, _damn_. But at least he stopped trying to undress her. Now with his full attention she glared up at him, through her lashes, trying to put as much venom into that one look as she could muster. The black orbs stared back, uncaring, unflinching - she would have said they were emotionless, if only it weren't for the desire she could see flickering beneath their surface. _

_She could feel his heated breath on her face, and goosebumps rose on her neck, which only made him grin wider. He bent down. She braced herself for the kiss, the spiraling blackness, like that she had felt in Idris when they'd kissed, before she'd known she was his sister, but the kiss never came._

_Instead he lowered him lips to her ear, gently nipping on the lob - and at this she had to hold back a shudder - and whispered in a sickly sweet voice;_

_"What would dear Jace say if he saw you like this eh? Will he still want you when you're not pure?" _

_His lips traveled tauntingly down her neck, biting at the skin there, and this time she couldn't hold back the strangled cry that escaped its way form her throat, as she felt his hand on her zipper once more. Zip._

_"Do you know what the best thing is?" He asked again, "As he is now, Jace couldn't do anything but agree that this is a good idea."_

_Her blood ran cold and she realised he was right._

_"You will be mine Clarissa."_

After that all she could remember is blinding pain, pain that had no up or down, pain that had no end. She had no idea if she had cried out or called for help, despite the fact she knew none would come.

"Clary?"

A familiar voice snapped her back to reality, though reality wasn't her safe haven anymore. It couldn't be.

"Clary?" The voice called again.

_Isabelle_, Clary realised with a jolt. She willed herself to speak.

"Y-yeah?" she winced at the sound of her own voice, it sounded strained and a little too loud.

"Are you alright?" she called again, concern coloring her voice.

"Yeah, fine," she replied, a little more convincingly this time, even though she knew she was anything but.

"Good, we thought you had fallen down the goddamn toilet what with the amount of time you'd been in here. Jace was convinced you were being molested by a demon or something ridiculous like that," she laughed.

Clary gulped. _Yeah something ridiculous like that._

"I guess it was just something I ate," Clary mumbled pathetically through the door.

Surprisingly Izzy believed her, it must have been the alcohol. "Well come on guurl, the night is still young, and there is a whole load of ass in this club." Izzy hiccuped.

Under any other circumstances Clary would have rolled her eyes. _Yep, definitely the alcohol._

"I'll be out in a sec - _oh," _pain shot up Clary's right arm like a white hot poker. Confused she stared down to see it clutched onto the wash basin so tightly her knuckles were white - she must have been using it for support during the flashback.

Groaning she loosened her grip, and her arm began to tingle as the blood flow resumed its normal path.

"Well make sure you are, I need a wing man," Izzy slurred through the restroom door. And then she was gone.

Alone, Clary slumped against the counter, breathing deeply. She shook her head, though knowing it would take much more than that to get rid of her demons, splashed some water on her face, tamed her mass of red curls, and threw the pregnancy test in the general direction of the bin, not caring if it made it there or not, and headed for the door.

* * *

**Hey guys, please review if you want a second chapter :) Or alternatively I'm open to criticism.**

**I know I haven't finished my last story, but I promise this one will be different. It was my first fanfic, and I didn't like the way it was turning out. This time, I know where I'm going with it, I have it all planned in advance and promise to keep writing it as long as you guys want to read it - assuming of course (fingers crossed) that you want to read it at all.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Four hours and I'm back, thanks to the first guest who reviewed :) I wish I knew who you were so I could follow you, all your stories, and give you a hug - your review kept me beaming for like half an hour. I hope I do your similar idea justice, no pressure on me to meet your expectations or anything ;)**

**See guys? Review and I'll update faster.**

**Just want to say thanks to the others who reviewed, yours made me smile also. I think it was Morgenstern18 who suggested I change the rating to M, just to be on the safe side? It's a fair point and thank you for the advice, but the flashback in the first chapter is about as bad as it is going to get, so I wondering how about everyone else's view on the matter? Please let me know, I'm kind of paranoid. :/**

**I'm aware this chapter isn't too action packed, I think we just needed to see a little more of Clary and Jace's relationship post CoLS, especially considering Cassie didn't give us much on it, what with the possession and all :)**

**Talking of Cassie I realise I forgot to do this in the first chapter;**

**DISCLAIMER: It is with many deep regrets that I find myself informing you that I do, in fact not own The Mortal Instruments Series, but instead they belong to Cassandra Clare. If I did own it, I'd save the entire fandom from a heart attack and a heavy amount of mourning by wrapping up those '6 characters we know by name' in bubble wrap.**

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO - Dawning Realisation**

Pushing open the door to the restroom, Clary was suddenly hit by a wall of sound. Pandemonium was blazing red, green and blue, the music blared loudly from the speakers. Suddenly, wanting the distraction, Clary surged forward into the crowd, using her small frame to her advantage and pushing her way through the sea of people gyrating on the dance floor.

After much jostling and shoving - all polite excuse me's lost to the music - Clary found herself in the middle of the floor. Normally the suffocating crowd would have set her on edge and made her feel trapped, but tonight they felt like castle battlements, a protective wall around her and the reality she would soon have to face.

She began to sway her hips in motion to the music, lifting her arms above her head. The music thumped in her ears. She couldn't identify the song, but then again that didn't really surprise her. She'd been out of the 'mundie loop' for some considerable amount of time now, and listening to the charts wasn't exactly one of Mayrse's main priorities for her when it came to her training.

An arm snaked around her waist, pulling her close. Quick as a whip, she spun around letting her fist fly towards the bastards face. Fortunately for her, Jace was faster - no surprise there - and he caught her fist mere centimeters from his face.

Clary gasped, "Jace! You scared the living day lights out of me."

Jace chuckled.

"Don't ever do that again!" she cried as she smacked him light heartedly across the chest.

"Apology accepted Spitfire," Jace smirked.

"Asshat," she replied, though her heart wasn't really in it. Why hadn't she realised it was Jace? It wasn't as if she couldn't sense him nearby, what with the heat of the heavenly fire constantly radiating from him, and sending tingles across her skin. Jeez... That last flashback must have really set her on edge.

She didn't hear him chuckle this time, only felt the vibration of his sculpted chest as her pulled her close, engulfing her in his embrace.

_Oh my god Jace. _How the hell was she going to tell him? She'd been so caught up in her own head and the fact that the baby was Sebastian's, that she hadn't even given Jace a second thought.

Jace sighed, and pulled Clary closer. These moment were so rare now that he was practically a human torch, and he couldn't get enough of her. Resting his chin on her head, and closing his eyes, a small smile playing about his face, he didn't even notice the damp patch, just below his shoulder, the tear drops sizzling a they hit his chest.

* * *

Clary groaned, and rolled over, burying her face in the clean white bed sheets. Something tickled her nose, and she twitched it.

There it came again, yes, something was very definitely and very deliberately tickling her nose.

Frowning, she reached up to swat it away, and her fingers found silky gossamer thread. She opened her eyes groggily, blinking back the sleep from her eyes. No, not gossamer, sunlight. Or more accurately her boyfriend's hair.

_Boyfriend._

Last night's events came flooding back in an unwelcome rush, and Clary's heart plummeted in her chest.

_Oh God._

She was pregnant. Her mother's worst nightmare had come true. She had run off to live with her boyfriend, and now she was 17 and pregnant. Maybe she could go on that mundie show - what was it called? - _Teen Moms._

Pretty sure they hadn't had a story like hers before. 'Girl knocked up by devil spawn brother.'

Clary giggled. Not that it was a funny situation, in fact it was anything but. Yet at this stage, Clary knew that it was either laughing or crying, and she also knew that if she started crying she wouldn't be able to stop. Besides, _Shadowhunters didn't cry._

Assuming the giggle was for him, Jace grinned. He lowered himself onto Clary, propping himself up on his elbows, so his lips could just meet hers.

"Tease." Clary muttered.

"You have no idea," he taunted, "Ewwy.. gross have you been dribbling?"

"What!" Clary blushed, her face turning a deep shade of crimson, "No I haven't b-been..." she looked up, whilst trying to check for traces of saliva and caught Jace's eye. They twinkled wickedly.

"Jace Lightwood, that was NOT funny!"

"I beg to differ" he snickered.

Clary frowned.

"What?" Jace asked, worried.

"Did you... Did you just say Ewwy?"

Jace blinked. "N-no."

"You did! Jace Lightwood just said 'Ewwy', what are you a six year old girl?" Clary giggled.

Now it was Jace's turn to turn red, something he rarely did. Clary waited for his comeback, readying her defense, but it never came. Instead, quick as a flash he flipped Clary on her back, and began to tickle her, grinning from ear to ear as she pleaded for him to stop in between gasps and giggles, her whole body thrashing.

"Jace stop."

He stiffened. He wasn't sure that one made him stop. There was something in her voice, the plea so quiet. He looked down, but her eyes, though wide, were unreadable. "Clary what's-"

Her face contorted, and she tried weakly to push him off.

He fell back against the wall, allowing himself to be shoved aside, but was one his feet quickly following Clary's tiny strides to the bathroom, only to have the door slammed in his face.

He tried to open the door - _sealing rune, damn._

_"_Clary?" he called through the door, "Let me in, I'm sorry okay, whatever I did, just let make it up to y-"

He was cut off by the sound of Clary emptying her stomach on the other side of the door.

Shit, Clary groaned inwardly. Mourning sickness. She heard Jace call through the door, but before she could reply she retched again, and leant back over the toilet seat, from her position on the floor.

"Jace, I'm fine seriously, I guess it was something I drank last night," she called through the door, "It'll pass in a second."

"Can I at least come in?"

"_No_," she snapped viciously. She cursed herself mentally. She could practically see Jace flinch, even through the door. Jeez... where did _that _come from?

Silence. Though she knew he was still there.

She sighed, "Look Jace I'm sorry, but seriously I'm fine. Perhaps we could have Taki's for breakfast to make me feel better, you know, takeout?"

"Course babe, I'll be back in thirty." He still didn't sound too sure, but Clary guessed he was at a loss as to what else to do.

She couldn't even manage a "later," before the door to Jace's room slammed shut behind him.

She felt drained, not just physically, but emotionally. All she wanted to do was curl up into a nice comfy fetal position next to the toilet, and fall asleep on the cold tiled floor.

However, she knew Jace, and knew he would be practically running, full angel boy speed, to Taki's and back - he didn't like leaving her alone at the best of times. She didn't have long.

Panting for breath, she dragged herself up off of the bathroom floor, clutching the sink for balance, and peered at her reflection in the mirror.

Leaning to the right, to see past a long crack that traveled from the top right, to bottom left corner, (Something Jace had undoubtedly done in a state of anger) she blanched.

She looked awful. Really awful. Her eyelids were slight yellow and puffy, her eyes blood shot and being hugged by some serious under eye circles, that were already start to look purple. _Damn._

Hurriedly she set to work making herself look presentable, splashing cold water on her face. Then she opted for makeup - something she rarely wore, and only really owned because it was either that, or have Izzy string her up by her ears - concealer for her under eyes, and mascara, to hopefully draw attention away from the 'zombie' face.

While she was doing this, and it took a while as she wasn't the most experienced in 'face-caking,' she gave herself a mental pat on the back for her quick thinking it-must-have-been-something-I-drank-last-night skills. It was a reasonable excuse. Normally Clary was awful at lying, and Jace would catch her bluff easily.

It was especially good considering there was no way it could be true - she hadn't drunk anything, or rather swallowed anything. She'd taken a big gulp of some nasty tasting stuff to 'drown her sorrows,' before spitting back out into the glass - much to the disgust of the werewolf behind the bar - once she remembered the baby. Maybe the reason Jace hadn't caught her out had something to do with the fact he couldn't actually see her...

She heard the clash of bowls and dishes from the kitchen downstairs, and knew Jace must be home.

19 minutes. Whoa.

Hurriedly she took once last glance in the mirror, hoping Jace wouldn't notice her 'extra layer of face' this morning.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey Guys :) I know its been about a week since my last update, but luckily for you I've just put myself on crutches, so updates should be coming more frequently since I'm off sports for a while. **

**Thank you all so much for your lovely reviews - they're what keeps me writing. **

**Alec and the current 'malec' situation gets mentioned briefly in this chapter. If enough of you review saying you want it, I can add them in throughout the story in more detail.**

**Anyways, here it is :) Disclaimer's in the second chapter :'(**

* * *

**CHAPTER THREE - Resentment**

She entered the kitchen to find Mayrse and Izzy already there, sorting out the takeout containers, splaying them out across the dinning room table. Clary let out a ragged breath she didn't even know she had been holding - she didn't think her lying skills would hold up when she was actually looking Jace in the face. At least with Lightwood - squared over here she could buy a little more time.

Mayrse looked up as Clary entered, which was none to surprising, considering she didn't move with the silent grace the rest of the institute residents did. Mayrse gave her a sharp nod.

Mrs Lightwood perhaps wasn't the most outwardly affectionate person Clary had ever met, but she didn't doubt for a second that she cared. She remembered the hurt on her face when she thought Jace was Valentine's arrow, the pain and grief she tried to hide after Max died, and now Alec...

_Alec_, she thought glumly. Sure she'd never been close to Alec, but she didn't have anything against him. Maybe he had tried to split her skull in two during her first few days in the institute, but she'd take that gladly over the current situation.

Alec hadn't left his room in weeks, he hadn't spoken at all in that time, and he was barely eating. For the first few days all you could hear was hysterical sobbing coming from behind his closed door, but now there was only silence.

Somehow the silence was worse.

No one deserved that much pain. No one.

More than that Clary could sense the pain in those she loved. Alec's misery hung over the institute like a dark cloud, and there wasn't anything anyone, except Magnus, could do about it.

Not that the Lightwood siblings hadn't tried.

She was surprised Magnus hadn't moved after the break up, it wasn't as if he wouldn't have been able to foresee the amount of 'cold calls' he got over that first week. Had refused to tell the Izzy, Jace or even Robert 'what was so awful that it meant ripping out his heart?' Instead he had merely shaken his head, and insisted he didn't want to talk about it, much to the Lightwoods' fury.

But Clary had seen the love with which Magnus had looked at Alec, and she had the feeling the fight was over more than glitter or charcoal eyeliner. In fact, she imagined the Lightwoods would enjoy hearing it about as much as Magnus would enjoy telling it.

Izzy had become all the more over powering in the last month or so, and it was safe to say Clary was officially her personal barbie doll. She didn't mind though - not if it took her mind off Alec.

Mayrse put on a brave face, but Clary knew better. Her heart went out to the stern women, it really did. It can't have been easy losing a child, especially when feeling like the other one was slipping from your grasp.

And Jace. He put up a brave front, just like always, thinking he had to be strong for the others or some bullshit like that. Clary didn't truly understand the magnanimity or complexity of the parabatai bond, and didn't pretend as if she did. All she could comprehend was that Jace was physically hurting, and he literally felt as though a piece of him was missing. He kept up the usual banter, but she was there at night, and she had held him while he shook.

Breakfast was a quiet affair, Jace still worried, but was unable to say something in front of the others, and Isabelle only groaning at random intervals if a dish clattered too loudly. Apparently someone had to much to drink last night.

Clary smirked despite herself.

She wondered if she should tell Izzy about the demon-spawn-bun-in-the-oven first, so she could be there when she told Jace, you know for moral support?

_Or to help restrain him, _she thought darkly.

But she shook her self mentally. No. Jace deserves to be first to know, then they could decide to tell everyone together if they wanted to.

_Everyone. _Subconsciously Clary's grip around her knife and fork tightened. She knew she was being ridiculous, that she should've told someone right away - Jace, Izzy, Simon, her mother - not least because they should know, or that they could take her for a check-up at the doctors, but to ground her, to stop herself slipping in into the abyss that was her own mind.

It was nothing to be ashamed of, she told herself time and time again, yet it made no difference. Every time she thought about it - basically whenever she couldn't find a distraction - guilt and despair bubbled up inside her. Perhaps if she had stronger, less trusting? If only she had run faster, or not let Jace up on that roof top after their encounter with Lilith. She couldn't bear to see their disappointment in her, their _disgust._ She also knew, that no matter what she said, Jace would always blame himself. She almost rolled her eyes, it was hardly as if he could have avoided the possession. But more than that, she couldn't tell them because of the numb state of denial she was living in, that would surely shatter if she admitted it to herself and her friends, was the only thing keeping her from breaking. From keeping sane.

And yet she had no choice, and for the first time, Clary felt resentment bubble up insider her when she thought about the baby.

* * *

The rest of the day passed uneventfully. Much to Clary's surprise Jace didn't mention this morning's incident again, and instead they spent the day stretched out on the floor of the green house, talking about anything and everything.

Clary tried, she really did. She tried to tell him more than once, but each time the words got stuck in her throat.

_"Jace, I-" _

_"Do remember the first thing you ever said to me? That night in Pandemonium?" _

She sighed inwardly, not that she didn't wanted to relive the memories, the good ones at least. Later she tried again;

_"So there's something I've been meaning to tell you..."_

_"Is it how dapper I look in this reflected sunlight, or how much you love me?"_

And she did, she did love him, and thats why she couldn't bring herself to do it. Instead the day passed swiftly, a few more attempts here and there, but before she knew it the day was over.

She tried one last time, going for the more, shall we say, blunt approach. It wasn't as if what she was going to say wasn't going to hurt him anyway.

"Jace?:

"Mmmhmm?" he replied, engrossed in playing with a strand of hair that had fallen across her face.

"So... So back in her apartment with Sebastian, you know before the ba-"

He stiffened. She stopped.

His voice shook when he spoke, his voice uncharacteristically harsh. "I don't want to talk about that. Not now. Not ever."

And that was that.

Still pretty pissed, Jace didn't put up much of a fight when she told him she was going to stay in her own room that night, making some lame excuse about having a cold.

In truth, she couldn't lie next to him, knowing she was hiding the truth from him. Knowing she was dirty and corrupted, by her brother no less.

Looking back on that day, Clary often wondered if it she would have been able to get the words out, had she truly wanted to. She wondered how different her life would be now.

* * *

**Sorry guys, this was kind of a transition chapter, but don't worry the next chapter is already being written :)**

**Can I just say that the views expressed in this chapter are not mine, just how I personally think Clary would feel. If you have been subject to any similar 'treatment' (and I'm sincerely sorry if that is the case) or know anyone who has, tell someone - its nothing to be ashamed of. And, even if you're not pregnant, go to a doctor just to be on the safe side.**

**Sorry guys, didn't mean to get all serious on you there ;) I just felt it needed to be said.**

**Please review :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Well here it is, the chapter you've all been waiting for - I could tell you were all getting impatient ;) Back so soon you ask? Yes well ripped ligament's a bitch. And so, subsequently, is boredom. **

**Thanks again for those of you who reviewed - they make my day - can you reply to reviews? Sorry I'm still new to the site guys, its not because I'm rude :/**

**Anyways enjoy, disclaimer's in the second chapter.**

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**CHAPTER FOUR - Truth**

Clary awoke with a start, unaware of what it was that caused her to woken from her dreams. Not that she was complaining, they hadn't been all that pleasant lately.

The door clicked, and Clary recognized it as the sound it made when someone closed it. Her heart began to thud uncontrollably in her chest, and ever so slowly. so as not to make the intruder aware she was awake, she shuffled herself backwards, until she was sitting propped up against the headboard. At least she had a better defensive position here than if she was lying down.

Shakily she reached across for her stele on her bedside cabinet, but her hands closed around her alarm clock inside.

_I guess this will have to do_

She tried to peer into the darkness, but her eyes hadn't adjusted to the light, or lack of it, yet. Raising the ticking alarm clock above her head she found herself wishing her heart would stop beating so loudly _for a damn second_ so she might be able to listen and gage how close the attacker was to her bed.

Tick

_Oh my god Sebastian's back, he's going to kill me._

Tock

_Or worse._

Tick

_What if he already has the others?_

Tock

_Ohmygod_

Tick

_Ohmygodohmygodohmygod_

Tock

All of a sudden Clary sensed movement at the foot of her bed. She peered into the darkness, and could just make out the dark outline standing there. She froze.

The dark outline pounced.

A small, strangled scream slipped from her mouth before she could stop it as the shadow landed on her, straddling her waist.

_No, no, no, not again. I'd rather he killed me. I want him to kill me._

She watched in silent horror, unable to scream further, as the shadow raised his hand, and she braced herself, expecting it to strike her across the face.

The bedside lamp flicked on. Light flooded the room.

The black orbs she had been expected to see hovering menacingly above her weren't there... instead they were gold.

"Jace! What the fuck?"

Jace didn't reply, instead he was hunched over, creasing up with laughter.

"Jace, I'm serious!"

"Oh shit sorry Serious, I was looking for my girlfriend's room - red head, dwarf, bad temper? You haven't seen her have you?"

Shaking with fury, Clary lashed out and slapped Jace across the face. Hard.

Despite the fact it stung Clary's hand, it didn't really have the desired effect. Jace just carried on laughing.

Clary tried to suppress the giggles she felt bubbling in her throat, but she couldn't help it, Jace's deep throaty laugh was so contagious, and he so rarely let his guard down like this, so it wasn't surprising she soon found herself laughing along with him.

They laughed. They laughed until their sides ached and they had tears rolling down their face, not even bothering to quieten down the giggle in case they woke anyone up.

They both knew it wasn't _that _funny, but for teenagers, and even shadowhunters, they rarely had anything to laugh about in their relationship. That is unless you call guilt ridden attraction on the basis of incest, death, two blood related megalomaniacs, death, war, a mother in a coma, and two lots of demon possessions a laughing matter.

And even now, now the threat, though not gone, was significantly dulled, what with Sebastian in hiding, their relationship was still strained. And it wasn't because they didn't love each other - neither of them had ever been more sure of anything in their live. No, Clary knew it was her. She'd been trying so well to hide it, not to let what happened with Sebastian effect their relationship, but she knew deep down she'd been distancing herself from Jace, avoiding his touch. She didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve it. He deserved something so much better, something _not _defiled by her brother.

As they laughter began to die down into snickers and hiccups, Clary felt the mood in the room shift suddenly, and goosebumps spread up her arms.

She turn onto her side, and came nose to nose with Jace.

She gulped.

"Tha-at was not funny," she tried to sound pissed, but it was barely more than a whisper.

"Sorry," he murmured in between the kisses he had begun to plant along her jaw, "I couldn't sleep knowing I'd upset you earlier. You had just as hard a time with me as Sebastian, and you're right, we should talk about it."

Clary opened her mouth to reply, but her breath hitched in her throat as Jace left her jawline and began to trail the kisses down her neck instead, bitting and sucking at the skin there.

Try as she might, Clary could barely think straight, let alone think of a reply. Then she realised Jace wasn't really looking for one. Not then at least.

Instead he had made his way down to her stomach, and having pushed up her pale green camisole, was pressing his lips against the soft skin their too. Unable to bare it any longer, Clary reached down, twisted her fists in his hair and yanked him back up to meet his lips with hers.

He growled softly, and she ran her tongue along his bottom lip, asking for entrance. Granting it, he pulled her closer, until their bodies moved as one, grinding against each other and the bed in a wave of pleasure.

Slowly Jace's hand traveled down her side, teasing her by just barely grazing his thumb against her breast as he did so, and continued on down to her waist.

Clary's heart began to thump even harder as she felt the darkness setting it.

Jace's hand played with the hem of her sleep shorts.

_His lips traveled tauntingly down her neck, biting at the skin there, and this time she couldn't keep the strangled cry, that escaped its way form her throat, as she felt his hand on her zipper once more. Zip._

Furiously she tried to push away the images, the memories of _that_ night.

He slipped his hand under the waistband, and even though she knew it was only for him to get better 'leverage' her blood ran cold.

_Pain, blinding pain._

Clary's hands clenched violently in Jace's hair, as if to brace herself from the vivid memory of pain.

Jace only saw this as a sign to continue.

And Clary only saw Sebastian's black orbs behind her eyelids, gloating.

"STOP."

Jace pulled back, hurt flashing across his face. He would never force Clary into something she wasn't comfortable with, but he did have feelings.

"Clary," he sighed guiltily, reaching out to pull her into his arms.

She flinched, and Jace's hurt was immediately replaced by anger.

"Why do you keep doing this Clary, pulling away from me?" he almost yelled, "I try and try to be a good boyfriend, but most of the time you can't even look at me!"

Clary stayed silent.

'Well?"

She could feel it, all the tension and anger that had been between them, that had drained out of the room during their laughing fit, was back. All the euphoria was gone, all the love buried beneath the tension. Her shoulders slumped, and she could a sworn she heard her heart tear a little.

But still she said nothing.

"I love Clary, so much, and I will always love you, and I thought you loved me too." If Clary had been able to look up at this point, she would ave had to look away from the intensity of the pain in Jace's eyes. "Why is it then that I feel like that might not be enough anymore?"

Nothing. Clary's eyes stayed clued to the mattress.

Jace sighed, and rolled off Clary, ready to leave.

"Jace?"

He stopped.

"Don't worry."

"I won't." he snapped.

"Jace-I'm-pregnant."

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**Oops cliff hanger. Don't shoot me :) Review if you want to find out what happens next my lovelies. If I get enough, who knows, you might even get an update tomorrow. And seriously guys, I open to criticism *sends virtual hug***


	5. Chapter 5

**RE-UPDATE! Sorry guys if you thought this was a new chapter, I had to re-upload this one when I realised it came out in one big paragraph, it was driving me insane. **

**BUT - perhaps you could read it again? The chapter makes so much more sense and sounds so much better with the pauses and line breaks etc. It also means you judge Jace a little less.**

**Hey Guys! IM SO SORRY ITS BEEN LIKE A MONTH - I kinda go to boarding school, so updating is kinda awkward. **

**Okay, for this chapter you have to bear with Jace, he kinda jumps to conclusions, any guy would. The next chapter is already written so if i get lots of reviews, as i really am desperate for feedback, i might update either today or tomorrow. **

**Thank you so much to those of you who have reviewed already - LOVE YOU GUYS, and i really appreciate it. Can you reply to reviews?**

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**"I love you Clary, so much, and I will always love you, and I thought you loved me too." If Clary had been able to look up at this point, she would ave had to look away from the intensity of the pain in Jace's eyes. "Why is it then that I feel like that might not be enough anymore?" **

**Nothing. Clary's eyes stayed clued to the mattress. Jace sighed, and rolled off Clary, ready to leave. "Jace?" He stopped. "Don't worry." "I won't." he snapped. "Jace-I'm-pregnant." **

The words came out in a jumbled heap, and Clary imagined them sticking to her, weighing her down. She sucked in a sharp breath, and clapped her hand firmly over her mouth, mentally cursing herself.

_Shit._

_That is not the way I wanted him to find out._

_Why did I have to panic like that, just because he was angry and going to leave? Shit. _

Jace had frozen on the edge of the bed, the shirt he had been about to put on in his hand. Not turning to look at her, he whispered, "What?"

She took a deep breath, and feeling like she was standing teetering on the edge of the abyss, not knowing whether she could make the the leap to the other side, or would go crashing down into oblivion, she repeated the dreaded words.. "Jace, I'm pregnant."

No sooner than the words we out of her mouth Jace, as only Jace could, was up like a shot and across the room in less than a second. "What?" he hissed. Frustrated Clary opened her mouth to reply, "I'm pr-" "I know what you said," he spat, "I just don't _understand_"

Clary flinched away from the cruel tone of his voice. She knew he would be angry, but she always thought that anger would be directed at Sebastian first.

"How could you?" his voice was rising now.

"Jace," Clary said, the tears starting to stream down her cheeks, "I couldn't help it..."

"OH YOU COULDN'T HELP IT COULD YOU? I'VE BEEN SO PATIENT WITH YOU, NOT PUSHING YOU ANYTHING YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO! LITTLE DID I KNOW THE REASON YOU DIDN'T WANT TO IS BECAUSE YOU WERE DOING IT WITH SOMEONE ELSE?"

Jace's fingers had started to glow a distinctive gold. No one noticed.

"Jace, why are you being so unfair about this?" she whispered.

"UNFAIR? EVERYONE I'VE EVER LET IN HAS CAUSED ME NOTHING BUT PAIN. _THATS_ UNFAIR. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT!"

"I _AM_ DIFFERENT JACE, I-"

"You're right," Jace laughed bitterly, "No girl has ever been so unaffected by this before," and gestured to himself.

The gold glow had traveled all the way up his bare arms, and his fingers and toes were smoking. Still no one noticed.

Now it was Clary's turn to get angry, "UNAFFECTED? HOW CAN YOU SAY THA-"

She was cut off by Jace bursting into flames.

She screamed. Jace stood there, engulfed in flames, but seemingly unaffected by the heavenly fire licking at his body. Instead he was shaking with rage, his fist clenched, glaring at Clary. Clary tried to run towards him, but the curtain behind him caught alight, the flames spreading along the wooden floor, creating a channel between them. Not knowing what to do, she screamed again.

This time she heard foot steps down the hall, and three people tumbled into her room, their mouths hanging open at what they saw. Time seemed to stand still, no one, and nothing moved, except the dancing flames, and the clenching and unclenching of Jace's fists. To Clary is felt like an eternity, but something in the back of her brain told her it no more than a few seconds.

All of a sudden, everyone snapped back into action, like a rubber band stretched too far. Separated from Jace by the wall of fire, Izzy and Alec did their best to calm Jace down, while Clary stood glued to the floor.

"Jace relax, its all going to be fine,"

"We can go hunting later."

They knew it was futile, especially since the things that made Jace calm was killing things.

Alec tried, "Look Clary's here," and was rewarded by sparks flying everywhere.

Confused Izzy turned to Clary, her brow furrowed. Simon had his arms around Clary, and she was acutely aware of him shaking. That was until she realised she was the one vibrating.

Alec, unfazed by the sizzling sparks raining down on him, tried one last desperate attempt, and it took all of his courage to do it, but he knew it was his only hope. One word, one hope, one lost brother to prevent losing the other. "Max." was all he said, his voice catching on the word.

The effect was immediate. Jace's head snapped up, his eyes meeting his parabatai's, who nodded almost imperceptibly. The fire dwindled, then went out all together and Jace fell to the floor in a mass of twitching, red raw blisters covering his body like an extra skin.

Silence.

As the others started towards Jace, Clary found she too could move, and pushed her way forward. Kneeling down she went to place her hand on his shoulder, but his eyes snapped open, as if he could sense she was there. _"Go." _

Clary recoiled like she'd been stung, the magnitude of pain and hurt in his eyes was almost too much to bear. How could she deny him? Lifting her head, she met the gaze of the other three, all staring open mouthed, clearly none of them believing she could have done something worth this reaction. Oh how wrong they were.

She fled.

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Once in the corridor she slid down the wall, pulling her knees into her chest and hugged them tightly to her, her hands still visibly shaking. She wanted to be in there, comforting Jace, making sure he was okay, but in that moment she'd never felt further away from him. He might as well have slapped her, the pain and malice in his words hurt much more than any strike could have. Inside she'd always blamed herself for what happened with Sebastian, wondered if maybe she'd been stronger, uglier, faster, but she'd never expected Jace to blame her. Disgusted yes, but blame? He always had so much more faith in her than she deserved.

What if Jace never forgave her? If he was too disgusted to even look at her?

Thats when the tears started, cascading violently from her eyes, and pooling in her lap. Normally she hated crying, but for once she gave into the grief and let herself be pulled under. Suddenly there was commotion behind the bedroom door, and it swung open.

Clary scrambled to her feet, hastily blinking the tears from her eyes, just in time to see Jace draped in the arms of Simon and Alec, Izzy fussing behind them. She wanted to go after them, to see if Jace was okay, but her feet wouldn't move. It was selfish she knew, but she didn't think she could handle that kind of rejection again, the hurt in his eyes. Instead she stood at one end of the long corridor, watching the love of her life disappear down the other.

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Clary lay in one of the many bedroom in the institute, engulfed by duve and pillows, waiting for the sound of slamming doors.

She waited a good two hours before she was rewarded, three doors slamming in succession. Quietly as she knew how, she jumped from the bed, slipped from the room and tip-toed down the hall.

Once round the corner she wasted no time, sprinting down twisted passages and up staircases. There was a time she would have gotten lost in the Institute's maze of corridors, but Clary was confident she knew it like the back of her hand.

Sure enough, Clary reached the infirmary, panting and out of breath though she was. She strode towards the door, so focused on the handle that would give her access to Jace, she didn't she a figure step from the shadows. Brother Zachariah blocked her path.

Confused, Clary looked up and shivered. They really did give her the creeps.

_I'd tell you that you can't go in their, but I have a feeling you'll simply ignore me. _

Clary thought she could actually hear the hint of a smile in his voice. She opened her mouth to tell Brother Zachariah he was goddamn right he couldn't stop her, when he spoke again.

_ Before you go in, I just want to prepare you. He's suffered severe injury- _

"But he's alive?"

_Yes. _

Clary felt her shoulder relax, and she let out a breath she wasn't even aware she'd been holding.

_A few more seconds and his blood would have begun to boil, and he would have been lost to this world. He was very lucky. _

"What? A few more seconds? Oh my god is he going to be alright?"

Brother Zachariah ignored her, and simply moved out of her way, leaving the path to the door empty. Clary practically jumped through it, spinning so her back was to the room, to slam it behind her.

She shook her head vigorously. Damn she hated the silent brothers, their voices always felt like an itch in her head she couldn't scratch.

Jace.

Clary took a deep breath, spun around, and gasped. Jace lay sprawled across one of the beds, his body looking broken and lifeless. He skin was red raw, blisters covering it from head to toe, many of them bleeding insistently. He twitched from the pain, even in his sleep.

Clary realised she was relieved he was asleep, which then immediately made her feel guilty.

_I should want to speak to him, to ask him how he is feeling. _

But instead she was glad his eyes weren't open, so she couldn't see the disappointment in them. She felt herself crumbling, coming apart inside. For the past month, she'd been able to convince herself the darkness taking her over was all in her head, that really she couldn't be blamed for what had happened. But after tonight, well, after tonight she wasn't so sure.

Suddenly, Clary couldn't stay in the infirmary any longer, knowing the one thing she needed, the one thing she needed to keep from breaking she couldn't have. Jace.

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**Please Review :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**IMPORTANT. Okay, so a lot of you were a tad pissed at Jace for not giving Clary time to explain, but I think we should cut the guy some slack. For starters, he spent his whole childhood being told by Valentine that 'to love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed' etc. That doesn't just go away when its spent all those years being ingrained into you. Because of Valentine Jace didn't even think he could be loved, and now for all intents and purpose's that seems to be true. And after all they went through to be together, it seems to Jace like she's thrown it all away for some other guy... Plus I guess he assumes Clary would have told him sooner if something that bad had happened...**

**Anyway, thank you guys so much for all the lovely reviews, keep em coming, they really do motivate me to update :) And thanks for explaining the whole 'how do I format' thing to me :***

**Sorry for the re-upload that probably got you guys a tad excited (I hope) - I simply had to change it.**

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_**CHAPTER SIX - Hope**  
_

The next few days passed in a blur, leaving Clary unaware of what the date was. Life in the institute carried on like it always had, the only difference being Izzy was now in charge of her training, but all Clary felt was numb.

One part of her couldn't wait to see Jace again, to make sure he was okay. The other part was terrified what he would say when he did.

Over the course of those few days, the two parts of her battled each other.

_You shouldn't care what he says to you as long as he's okay._

In truth the internal battle was using so much of her energy, despite the fact it was simply going round and round in circles, she could barely concentrate on her training.

Not that it really mattered, she knew Izzy's heart wasn't in it anyway. They were all worried.

Perhaps the only positive of the last few days was Alec. After being dragged from his room to save Jace from the boiling inferno of his own blood, he seemed to remember despite having lost Magnus, he still had a job to do.

To protect his rash-decision-making parabatai.

And boy it was a heck of a job.

That wasn't to say he was over Magnus, he probably never would be. Clary could still see the thinly masked agony and self loathing in his eyes, that made her want to reach out to him, tell him she felt the same way, seek solace in his arms. But she knew she could not.

Alec would ask what it was she'd done, and Clary preferred to live in denial, at least while Jace was still unconscious. She liked to think of it as a kind of limbo, knowing it would have to end the moment Jace woke up.

The nightmares had returned, and she woke up night after night from the same dream covered in a thin veil of sweat and self hatred, a scream stuck in her throat.

They'd received a message that morning that Mayrse was on her way home from a business trip in Idris. Robert wasn't coming with her. No surprise there.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the door to the training room swinging violently opening, and crashing against the wall behind it. Clary looked up, shocked to see Izzy marching towards her.

"Hey Izzy, don't worry about being late for our ses-" Crack.

Clary's head snapped to the side. Blinking rapidly, she realized Izzy had slapped her. Clean across the face. Confused she turned her head back to the front, and met Izzy's seething gaze. On edge, Clary stepped back raising her hands in a surrender, realizing Izzy was so angry she was practically spitting blood.

"Izzy wha-"

"No, shut up you stupid whore." Izzy spat.

Clary flinched, but said nothing.

"How could you," she hissed, "he loved you, and you toyed with him. Did you ever even love him, or was this your plan all along?"

"My-y plan? What are y-you talking about, of course I love him."

_Do you? Do you really Clary?_ Sebastian's voice whispered in her head. _If you did wouldn't you have tried harder to escape me? _

"Who was it," came Izzy again, "some random guy in pandemonium?"

"Wha-"

"Was it worth it?"

"What are you talking about?" Clary whispered.

"I'm talking about," Izzy said, her voice rising, "the guy who GAVE YOU THIS," and prodded her stomach sharply.

Clary's brows furrowed in confusion, what the_ hell_ was Izzy on.

Oh.

_OH. _

It clicked.

Jace thought Clary had cheated on him.

She relayed their conversation in her head, and realized with a start that she had never even mentioned Sebastian's name, she was so caught up by his anger.

She could have punched herself.

A tiny bit of her was hurt that Jace had jumped immediately to that conclusion, but the more rational part of her reminded herself; _Well what was he supposed to think_.

Clary felt her face break into a smile, and ignored Izzy's perfectly manicured finger still poking into her stomach. She darted round Izzy, and ran towards the infirmary where she knew Jace would be awake.

_It was all just a big misunderstanding. I'll just explain everything, and he'll forgive me. _

For the first time in a long time Clary could feel it.

Hope.

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When she reached the infirmary, panting but with a huge smile plastered to her face, Brother Zachariah wasn't there.

No, it was Alec.

Her smile faltered when she met his eyes.

"And where do you think you two are going," Alec sneered.

_ Two? _

_Oh._

Clary's mind was immediately drawn back to her first few weeks in the institute and the cold, bitter aggressive Alec that mirrored the one that stood before her now.

"To see Jace." Clary stated, hoping it sounded much bolder than she felt.

Alec stalked towards her, not stopping until he was inches from her face. "I don't think thats a very good idea _Clarissa_, do you?

Clary flinched at the sound of the name only Sebastian used.

"You two will only make him angry again."

**_You will only make him angry again. _**

_Oh my god. _

_I can't tell him. _

Clary was vaguely aware of Alec saying something, but her mind was whirling.

Brother Zachariah had said Jace had been only seconds away from death.

And thats when he thought she cheated on her.

If he knew it was because Sebastian, her brother, the man that had killed Max, had framed him as Valentines arrow, had killed half the shadowhunter population, was half demon, had possessed him and kidnapped Clary, had _raped_ her...

Well, she didn't know if they would be able to douse the flames.

He would die.

Especially in the condition he was in now.

And 'Max' wasn't going to have the same effect this time round - not without the element of surprise.

_Oh my god, I can't tell him. _

_Not if I want him to live._

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The next few days for Clary were the loneliest of her life so far. None of the residents of the institute would talk to her, Izzy hadn't even shown up for training.

Mayrse's return from Idris had been delayed - something about a case of demon pox in the conclave - whatever _that_ was.

And her mum was too busy planning her wedding to notice her much. Not that it mattered, Clary wouldn't tell her anyway, the fact that her son has raped her daughter, and now Clary was going through the same thing she had, would simply destroy her.

That left Simon.

She had spent hours deciding whether to go and see him, but she'd decided against it.

Simon knew her too well, he'd guess eventually what was wrong. And then he might feel obliged to tell Izzy, they had become extremely close...

And she couldn't afford to take the chance, not when Jace's life was at stake.

Instead she spent the days in her room, unable to draw anything, and letting the darkness overcome her. She'd taken to sleeping in the greenhouse, there under the midnight flowers that reminded her of Jace, was the only place she didn't seem to wake with a blood curdling scream lodged in her throat from a series of nightmares that made her question whether her life was worth living anymore.

And on top of all this, she was terrified.

Terrified Sebastian would return for her - and god knows what he would do to her this time.

But the thing that scared Clary the most was that this time, she wasn't so sure anyone would come and save her.

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**Don't shoot me *holds hands up in a surrender* :(**


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